PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
