I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
