I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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