I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
