You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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