im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize