I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize