you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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