....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
