i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
