I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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