If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
