Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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