Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
