I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
