i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize