dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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