I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
