Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
