he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
