She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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