I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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