he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
