Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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