and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
