This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
