tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
