So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
