The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
