Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
