I accidentally had phone sex last night
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize