The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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