the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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