I have demons in me.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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