Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
