I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
