Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
