i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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