i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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