The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
