I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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