should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
