just come out here and I will go home with you...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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