There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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