I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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