she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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