Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
