New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
