did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
