John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
