i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
