You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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