I think I won the penis lottery.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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