broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
