I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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