the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
