It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
