oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
