I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Come on in and take your pants off
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