i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
