Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize