i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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